Joaquin Souberbielle

Name: Joaquin Souberbielle
Age: 27
Current Residence: Valley Stream, New York
Occupation: Marketing Director
Joaquin Souberbielle: So, this is your job? You come to a beach and interview people?
Gordon Holmes: It’s not all I do, but it’s part of it.
Souberbielle: Do you have any openings? Need an assistant?
Holmes: You’ll have to get in line behind my mother and my girlfriend.
Souberbielle: Alright. (Laughs)
Holmes: It says here that you are “the best bull (expletive deleted) artist you’ve ever seen, hence my job.” How does that artistry tie into your job?
Souberbielle: I basically bull (expletive deleted) all day. I bull (expletive deleted) with the girls at the front desk to try to break down that barrier to find out who I need to get in contact with. And after I get into the office, I bull (expletive deleted) the doctor to let him know that he needs the services that we offer when the majority of the time he’s perfectly fine without them.
Holmes: And you’re very successful in this endeavor?
Souberbielle: Yeah, I’ve been doing sales my whole life, but I’ve been doing this since I graduated college in 2010.
Holmes: So you aren’t concerned about squaring off against some potential liars in this game.
Souberbielle: No, no I can tell when people are lying just by their mannerisms. The way they conduct themselves, the way they conjure up sentences. I have a really good way of telling. I’ve got like a lie meter.
Holmes: But how can you trick other people’s lie meters?
Souberbielle: Umm…
Holmes: It’s just a gift?
Souberbielle: Yeah. Sometimes I catch myself bull (expletive deleted) when I don’t need to bull (expletive deleted). Just to get one over on people when I shouldn’t be doing it. It’s fun for me, honestly. This is going to be a lot of fun for me. I honestly don’t think people have been working their whole entire lives to be a bull (expletive deleted) artist like I have.
Holmes: Derek Jeter is your inspiration in life, not because of his accomplishments on the baseball diamond, but for his legendary status as a ladies man.
Souberbielle: He’s a champ on the field, man. But you should see his resume of women he’s running through. He’s an all-star in my eyes. The guy’s a stud.
Holmes: Yankees fan?
Souberbielle: Yeah, I’m from New York.
Holmes: Cards fan.
Souberbielle: Oh, sorry to hear that.
Holmes: This interview is over.
Souberbielle: (Laughs)
Holmes: And in the rest of my interviews I’m going to tell everyone everything about you.
Souberbielle: (Laughs)
Holmes: Joaquin is a billionaire puppy murderer.
Holmes: You list “women” as one of your hobbies.
Souberbielle: I love women.
Holmes: Some people do puzzles and you…
Souberbielle: And I do women. I love all kinds of women. Short, tall, skinny, fat, dark, light…
Holmes: Life’s a buffet, my friend.
Souberbielle: It is, but I prefer brunettes. I don’t really do blondes. They were never really my cup of tea. I love women, but I love money a lot more. I won’t be blinded by the booty on this show.
Holmes: But flirting is in your arsenal.
Souberbielle: It’s key! It’s key to everything. In my job it’s the number one thing I have to do to get into these hospitals. The young girls, the wrinkly grandmothers, it doesn’t matter. I have no shame in my game. I do whatever I have to do to get what I want.
Holmes: Is there anyone at home who’s going to get annoyed if they see you flirting on “Survivor”?
Souberbielle: No, Joaquin is single. And, I like it that way. It keeps me out of trouble. I can do whatever I want. I’m going to have fun with these girls, I’m going to play with their minds. I’m going to play with their hearts.
Holmes: I like that one of the three things you’d take on an island is condoms. It shows you’re responsible.
Souberbielle: I’m a gentleman at the end of the day. Unfortunately we don’t have any on the island.
Holmes: I think there’s some kind of first aid kit.
Souberbielle: I think so, so maybe a rubber glove or something.
Holmes: Talk to Jeff.
Souberbielle: They want us to stay safe.
Holmes: The last thing they want is an island pregnancy.
Souberbielle: (Laughs) They might want that. It’s a nice story.
Holmes: You show up at the reunion with a little bundle of joy.
Souberbielle: The reunion is in June, that’s in nine months.
Holmes: For a reward you have pre-natal vitamins.
Souberbielle: (Laughs)
Holmes: This conversation went to a very weird place.
Souberbielle: That’s OK. I’m comfortable.
Holmes: That’s my goal.
Holmes: If there’s a twist, what do you think it’ll be?
Souberbielle: Oh man… Who the (expletive deleted) knows? Maybe they swap players? Maybe they bring back Redemption Island? I don’t know. No immunity idols? Who knows? Who cares? I’m here to win this thing regardless of what they decide to do.
Holmes: So, you aren’t like any “Survivor” player ever?
Souberbielle: It’s such a bull (expletive deleted) question. I’m from New York, Tony’s from New Jersey. He’s a sly bastard just like myself. It’s so cliché cause he’s the last one and he won it.
Holmes: I like to ask; who would you align with? That gives me a better idea of what you’re looking for in an alliance mate.
Souberbielle: I’m a very social guy. I can make friends with all walks of life. I’ve traveled, I’ve been to 23 different countries. I’ve seen all different kinds of people. I’m not afraid of new things. I’d align with a social butterfly. Someone who can speak to anybody. You can know everyone’s information. I’m going to be that guy that everyone thinks is very trustworthy.
Holmes: In the game, if two people walk off to get water. They aren’t really getting water. They’re plotting, they’re looking for idols, or whatever. Are you ready for 39 days of paranoia?
Souberbielle: I wouldn’t say paranoia. But I’ll have my eye on them. If I leave with someone, I’m doing the same thing. It’s something you have to deal with, you signed up for this game. If you see that, don’t be a fool. They’re here for the same reason I am.
Holmes: Why do you think you were cast?
Souberbielle: I’m very outspoken. Very social. Obviously everyone here is a good-looking person. And my background in sales and bull  (expletive deleted). I can talk to anyone.  I can find something compatible with each person.
Holmes: What do you think of this cast?
Souberbielle: They’re a bunch of (expletive deleted) characters. I love it. You have beautiful women of all walks of life. The guys are super cool, some of them are a bunch of (expletive deleted). It’s what I expected, honestly. These people are from all over and are from every walk of life. It’s typical of every single “Survivor” cast.
Holmes: What’re the plans for the money when Probst hands you that check in May? Besides diapers, of course.
Souberbielle: (Laughs) I’ve already planned yacht week. The first week of July in Croatia. I’ll spend a nice amount of it there. I’ll buy a house, give some away to my family. And then invest a lot of it. I dunno, after taxes it’s chump change. You can’t live off of it.
Holmes: Any experience in the outdoors?
Souberbielle: No, I’m your typical Long Island boy. I like the lavish life. Fast money, loose women, expensive champagne. I’ve been camping once and that was at a music festival.
Holmes: Alright, let’s talk about some of the things you’re about to experience and how you’ll handle them. Let’s start with the sun and the heat.
Souberbielle: Not a problem. I’ve been practicing. I’m fairly tan right now. I’ve been at the beach every single day. For a solid month I’ve been sitting in the sun.
Holmes: Lack of food?
Souberbielle: Hmm…I’ve been training my stomach. I don’t think it’ll be a problem. I’ll be irritable every morning. But I have to wake up every morning and tell myself what a blessing it is. Look at how beautiful it is where you are. People would die to be in the position I’m in. I didn’t apply to be on this show. They found me when I was on vacation in L.A. So, like the rest of my life, I’m winging it.
Holmes: So, you’re not a “Survivor” fan?
Souberbielle: No, I watched four seasons between the end of May and the middle of July. I wanted to see what I was getting myself into. And, after you’ve watched four seasons, it’s basically the same (expletive deleted) over and over.